Thursday, May 30, 2013

Calgary Advance Care Planning Workshop

Sharing info : http://www.dyingwithdignity.ca/2013/05/14/calgary-advance-care-planning-workshop.php

Calgary Advance Care Planning Workshop

June 8, 2013
Time: 1:00pm to 4:00pm
77 Deerpoint Rd. SE, Calgary AB
Deer Park United Church
You are invited to a personal directive workshop on end-of-life choices.

Do you have wishes that you want followed? Would you like control over your care? Do you have a personal advance care directive?
Wait no longer! Come to our workshop on Advance Care Planning!

This is a hands-on workshop where you will create an advance care directive that makes your wishes clear to everyone. This workshop will help you to consider your personal values and medical priorities, to name and speak to your substitute decision maker, and to complete and register your personal directive. We will be joined by a number of speakers.

Space is limited. Preregistration is required. Please preregister as soon as possible!

There will be a $10 fee (payable at the door) for non-members. There will be no charge for Dying with Dignity members who bring their DWD ACP kit.

We encourage you to have your substitute decision maker join you for the workshop.

To RegisterWrite to Shelly Hunter at huntershelly1@hotmail.comPlease indicate: Your name, phone number, email address, and whether you are a current DWD Member. If a substitute decision maker will be accompanying you, please provide the person’s name, telephone number and email address.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Answering Kids' Questions about Death

I just found these helpful guidelines, by Kenneth J Doka, PhD,  for answering kids' questions about death.

Ken Doka is one of our leading contemporary thanatologists who has also done valuable work in the field of gender/styles of grief. If you ever have an opportunity to hear him speak, grab it!

"Throughout a time of loss, it is critical to keep communication with a child open.  Only by doing so can we truly understand the ways that the child is experiencing grief, allay any fears the child may have, and support the child in his or her grief journey.

This means that we need to answer the child’s questions in clear and honest ways.  Two rules can help us here.  The first rule is to always understand the context of the question.  Gee, that is an interesting question, what made you ask that? Such a question helps clarify the child’s concerns or fears.  Then always answer in a way that is honest but also keeps the conversation going.  A simple yes or no leaves little room for further discussion.  For example suppose a child asks if you are going to die.  A response like Most people live until they are old, even old enough to see you children or grand children – that’s why Mommy always buckles her seatbelt and stopped smoking so she could live, I hope, a long life, is both truthful and reassuring.

It is also helpful to be direct.   The romantic stories we may weave and the euphemisms that we use might only frighten and confuse the child.  It is best to give simple, honest, and direct answers appropriate to the child’s developmental level.  If we do not have an answer, it is good to simply say so.  I do not know why Grandma had to die.  I miss her – what do you miss most about her?"

 Thanks, Ken, for these practical and easy tips to remember in those sometimes uncomfortable conversations.

Friday, May 24, 2013

"Knowledge is not a filter for pain" - a lesson from Jo Rauch



Mother's Day - an unexpected date for a Death Cafe, yet over 20 people gathered in our bright, sunny new venue at the Sage Center to share conversation and cake.
"A Special Gift for Mother's Day" by M.Posadowski

 The afternoon started with Calgarian Mary Posadowski reading her delightful new book, " A Special Gift for Mother's Day - A Story for Motherless CHildren of All Ages"  .Then,  during the remainder of the afternoon small group discussion topics ranged from Advance Care Directives, to after death communication. Again, participants indicated their pleasure in moving through different groups at the cafe, and many exchanged names and numbers for continuing contact with each other. There was a sharing of knowledge, experience and perspective about life and death matters.

However, what I would like to reflect upon is an event that occurred later in the evening of May12th.

Hours after the Death Cafe  my dear friend, Jo Rauch was in the park with her little dog Ruby. Jo was chatting and visiting with neighbours, as was her way, when her aorta ruptured - she died three days later.
Me and Jo (on the right)

As I've struggled through the shock, numbness and disbelief, moments of raw pain have overwhelmed my heart and entire being; no amount of knowledge, no certificate in thanatology, no anything can filter the reality of grief's all consuming angst.

 I would like to share a message I received that has brought me comfort, and even a glimpse of meaning into Jo's death:
"As thoroughly as we accept its inevitability, as familiar as it becomes, we think we are well prepared for death - and then find ourselves quite unprepared for the unexpectedness of its timing, or the unexpectedness of the manner it arrives, or the unexpectedness of whom it chooses. All our preparations may help us on the journey of grief but cannot prevent us from having to embark. It is evident from your brief words about her how bright a light Jo was in your world - I am so sorry for the darkness now, and also glad for the gift of her in your life, which I know will stay with you always, will be there for you when the night of grief ends. As you sail on the seas of Loss, may your winds be smooth and steady, however strong, no storms - may the knowledge you have assist the navigation, for a voyage of discoveries and confirmation, but not trauma. I wave to you, with deep sympathy." 

Thank you, Lisa.

Jo Rauch was quirky. She had an honest and straight shooting perspective about people and life. She called eveyone "fink" and "piece of work", including her special education students - we all adored her. At her memorial service, laughter erupted when Jo's brother-in-law shared that her corneas had been donated - oh, to be the lucky person seeing the world through Jo's eyes.

The  grief of a friend often becomes disenfranchised grief - loss which isn't recognized or supported by others. Sometimes the support we need in grief isn't available to us.

So, if you too are grieving a friend, I extend Lisa's message to you. I extend my hand of friendship to you. I invite you to share your story with us. 

Here is Jo's obit.


I hope you have a friend like Jo in your life - if so, tell them, today, how much you appreciate them.

Warmly
Wendy









Saturday, May 11, 2013

Ease your Grief - Rituals for Mother's Day

Mother's Day can be a difficult day for those who have lost their Moms.

 

However, it can also be a struggle for women who have lost children, those who were unable to have children, or those of us who have lost a beloved mother figure.

Significant days such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays remind us of other celebrations with our loved one. Finding new ways to recognize the day, and the absence of the deceased is part of our grieving process; one helpful strategy is to find rituals which work for you.

Rituals ground us. They require movement. They are a concrete, time-defined action which symbolizes emotion. I find them powerful and healing.

A ritual is essentially anything that helps you recognize the person, the relationship, and helps you cope with your grief. There are no right or wrong rituals - they're as personal and unique as your grief.

The process of creating your own ritual for Mother's Day is part of the healing. However, here are a few ideas to get you started:

Light a candle dedicated to your Mom, or whom ever you are remembering
Light a candle at church
Set up a rememberence altar with pictures and objects that your Mom, or child enjoyed
Say prayers
Write a letter to whom ever it is you're remembering
Sing or play your loved one's favourite song
Create a collage which reminds you of your loved one
Do a meditative walk
Make a donation to a relevant charity
Make a card, just like you did as a kid
Plant a new plant in the garden

What rituals do you use that bring you comfort? It would be wonderful for you to share them in the comments section....

Sometimes our grief is too raw even to remember or acknowledge the day. That's okay - just don't. That's a choice as well.

In rememberence of Moms, children, and those who have mothered us, including my Aunties Ollie, Ida and Mary, I say, "Thank you. We love you."

Warmly
Wendy

Friday, May 3, 2013

June 9th Death Cafe full after Calgary Herald Neighbours story

"Just the beginning"

Big, bold letters introduce the story "Death cafe offers oulet for Calgarians looking to talk about once taboo topic" in the May 2 edition of the Calgary Herald Neighbours weekly.Kathleen Renne's story includes an interesting look at the career journey of Death Cafe participant, JD LeBlanc, from her first exposure to death as a child, to becoming a death doula ( a death midwife) as an adult.

Renne's story also looks at the Death Cafe concept and why I'm passionate about bringing it to Calgary.

 "Death Cafe is about looking at the end, realizing we really do have an expirations date, and making the most of what we've got left." (me)

Calgarians seem to welcome the opportunity to talk about their opinions, fears and rituals around death. The March and May Death Cafes filled to capacity.

The next cafe is June 9th - it is also full! However, there is another Death Cafe open on June 24th - details coming soon!

Here are the details for the June 9th Death Cafe:

2 to 5 PM
Nexen Living Room, Sage Center (Hospice Calgary) *
1245 70th Ave SE ( across from the old Costco)
Home Baked Cake and Coffee/tea/juice 
Free of Charge

The seats have been reserved for the folks who have pre-registered for the event.

To register for the June 24th, or September 22nd event, please email Wendy at  yycdeathcafe@gmail.com

In the meantime, check out the story about end of life care outside of hospitals...


Warmly,
Wendy

* Death Cafes are not a Hospice Calgary sponsored event.