Relax, I'm just here for the cake at the Death Cafe!

copyright DeathCafe.com

Talking about death won't make it happen.

It's going to happen anyway. 

But it might be that chatting about all sorts of  death and dying issues will create something else - a deeper and richer life!

That's the idea behind the Death Cafe concept. 

Jon Underwood, the fellow championning the movement in the UK, says "the objective of Death Cafe is "to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives".

Are you looking for a new perspective on life?

 What would it be like to live knowing there's a deadline?

What is it that you've always wondered about dying and death?

Well, there's a brand new venue to explore these questions.

On March 10, from 2 to 5 PM,  join us for coffee/tea, cake  and open, relaxed conversation at Self-Connection Books for Calgary's first Death Cafe.

There's no charge, but you do need to RSVP to reserve your place.

wendymariek@gmail.com    

 

Hope to see you soon.

Warmly

Wendy

Death Cafe - One Big Question

Hi All,

This morning I got up early, 0900hr, to meet a delightful journalist with the Calgary Herald. We talked about the upcoming Death Cafe - Calgary's first.

As I ranted and raved about this very innovative and cool idea to facilitate conversation about all things related to death, I realized that I have many more questions than answers about death..

In fact, I don't have any answers to the following questions:

1. Is there an after-life?
2. What does after-life mean, anyway?
3. What will it be like to be dead?
4. How exactly would I like to die?
5. Can I be sure that my instructions for my funeral will be followed to the "T"?
6. Do I need to worry about offending anyone at my funeral once I'm dead?
7. Do I really want to be cremated and have my ashes thrown over my old property, or do I want to be buried next to my parents in one of the ugliest cemetaries in Canada?
8. If someone told me that I only had 2 months to live, what would I really, actually do?
9. When I die, will I "be" with my dead pets? Dead family members?
10. What if there IS a hell??? Can I do something really quick on the way out to make sure I'm re-routed?

It's a good thing that the Death Cafe is about eating cake, drinking coffee/tea, and exploring all those questions, and others, about death. I don't have to have the answers - it's all one big question.

Come and share the journey.

Sunday, March 10, 2-5 PM at Self-Connection Books in Calgary. There is no charge but I need an RSVP to save your place and make you some cake. wendymariek@gmail.com

Warmly
Wendy

Calgary's First Death Cafe

Death Café. It’s just like any other café; coffee, cake, but with a little something extra – death. 

Kurtynik and Beecher's Mr.Reaper

 

Well, conversation about death.

 

Calgary’s first ever Death Café is on Sunday, March 10, from 2 to 5 PM at Self-Connection Books on Bowness Road, NW.

 

The event will kick off with the internationally acclaimed short film, “Mr. Reaper’s Really Bad Morning”, with an introduction by Calgarian filmmakers Kevin Kurytnik and Carol Beecher to their innovative animation.

 

Following the screening, guests will be invited to participate in an open, free-flowing conversation facilitated by Wendy Kurchak, who is certified through the Association of Death Education and Counselling, and has over ten years’ experience in the field.

 

It’s the stimulating, thought-provoking discussions which are the draw for the hundreds of people, from all walks of life, attending the Death Cafés sweeping the United Kingdom, Canada, the US, and now into Brazil. In relaxing settings, the spontaneous topics are directed by the participants, making each Death Café a new and enlightening experience.

 

Jon Underwood, the UK Death Café guru, sees these events as a platform for “increasing awareness of death with a view toward helping people make the most of their (finite) lives.”  He believes that if people would explore and discover new perspectives about death and dying, and feel more comfortable about the inevitable, “the world would be a much, much better place.”

 

Lizzy Miles, a social worker and hospice volunteer in Ohio, has spearheaded the Death Café experience in the United States. She says,

 

“The beauty of the Death Café is that it brings people together who want to talk about the “taboo” topic of death (and all that it entails).  Many of the attendees reported in their surveys that in addition to telling their own story, they found comfort in hearing the stories of others.  The participants who have come to the Death Café events have a wide variety of backgrounds.  The diversity of experiences, beliefs and opinions contributes to the in-depth discussions that we have.”

 

Interesting concept, isn’t it? Coffee, home baking, the opportunity to talk freely about death, and maybe even make the world, or at least Calgary, a much better place. 

 

There is no charge for this event; however, participants do need to reserve their seat for the café. Email Wendy at wendymariek@gmail.com with your name and a phone number by Wednesday, March 6.

 

For stories and more information about Death Café, check out the websites at http://www.deathcafe.com/ or http://impermanenceatwork.org/index.html.

Web Resources for "Chill Out - The Scoop about Anxiety"

Welcome!

"Chill Out - The Scoop about Anxiety" is a session which I'm presenting in Alberta this month:

•  the North Central Teacher's Convention in Edmonton,
•  the City of Calgary Teacher's Convention, and 
• the Central Teacher's Convention in Red Deer.   ( I'm also doing an exciting workshop in Red Deer - "Grief in the Classroom"; using expressive arts with grieving kids.)

Comprehensive session notes are easily available just by dropping me a request at wendy@educationingrief.ca.  

In the meantime, here are the websites which are discussed during the sessions. They are just a few of the multitude of web resources about childhood anxiety. 

A reminder that many of these resources also have information about other mental health issues which may affect our students. It might be helpful to bookmark these sites:

• http://anxietyclass.blogspot.ca/2010/11/welcome.html
• http://www.anxietybc.com/
• http://www.hincksdellcrest.org/ABC/Welcome.aspx
• http://www.crufad.org/
• http://www.eric.ed.gov/ 
• http://www.academia.edu/ 

Creating calm classrooms, and empowering your students to discover, implement and experience strategies to cope with their anxieties, are just two means by which you will positively impact the health and life success of your students!

Let's stay in touch; let me know what else I can do to support you in your work with your students!

Warmly
Wendy 
wendy@educationingrief.ca 

 

 

" I want to go to my friend's funeral."

So – funerals and kids. For many kids, their first experience with a funeral is at the death of a grandparent. I can still remember my own grief, confusion, and anxiousness at my Grandma's funeral 43 years ago - I was 15 years old. 

The role of funerals in Canadian culture has been changing over the past couple of decades. We’re seeing a move away from ‘traditional’ funerals as baby boomers influence what and how they see this ritual playing out.

 

Regardless, the essential purposes of a funeral service still tend to benefit both kids and adults:

1.      It strengthens the reality of the death

2.      It facilitates a time and place for the community to recognize the family/friends as mourners

3.      It facilitates a time and place for the community to provide emotional support to each other

4.      It facilitates the expression of grief and pain

5.      It often marks a point in time to initiate the grieving process  

6.      It allows the bereaved to remember and honour their loved one

7.      It facilitates the practice of cultural rituals that encourage the grief process

8.      It allows time for a final goodbye to the physical body

 More and more research reveals the advantage to a kid/teen's grieving outcome when they're encouraged to participate in the funeral if they desire. A friend has a story about being 'forced' to sing with other family members at an aunt’s funeral; it didn’t seem to be a helpful experience in the kids' grieving - at all.

 The actual choice whether a young kid, or teen for that matter, should or shouldn't attend a funeral seems best ascertained after talking with them about what they might encounter. Personally, if someone asked me if I wanted to go somewhere unknown, do and see unfamiliar things and be with a bunch of crying people, I'd say "No" pretty quick, too.

It’s important to talk with kids/teens before, during and after the funeral.

As a guidance counselor, I often had teens that wanted to attend the funeral of a friend, but were nervous because it would be their first experience. Helping them understand what to expect, and then following up afterward so they could reflect on the event seemed a helpful intervention. The students often returned to talk as they continued their grief journey.

Suggesting to parents that they have someone who can explain what’s happening sit next to a younger child during the funeral may help a parent consumed by their own grief. This suggestion might be made through a sibling, another relative, or by speaking to the parent directly.

Each culture has funeral rituals that reflect their belief system. So, if your student is from a non-Canadian / North American culture, it might be helpful to try one of the following resources for information:

•  http://www.funeralwise.com/customs/
•  http://www.nasponline.org/resources/principals/culture_death.aspx
• www.bruyere.org/uploads/files/multicultural_practices_en.pd  - this is a great resource
• another teacher or student from the same culture
• a community leader or religious leader from that culture
• a parent or relative of the student 

Sometimes, it just helps to have some ideas about funerals so WE can be the resource for a grieving student or family. Alan Wolfelt has some more ideas at:


http://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fritual.html&site_id=3

In the meantime, if there's anything I can help you with, just let me know.

Warmly
Wendy

 

BEANS and the BEREAVED

Hi everyone,

I'm just putting together the final teaching materials for my upcoming course about grieving kids, and I thought about something I just wrote for www.adishofkindness.blogspot.com

The story is about baseball parties, and baked beans at 'end of the school year' celebrations. In the blog, I wrote:

" In the Meantime,  beans are wonderfully nutritious; they are high in fibre and iron, low in saturated fat and a good alternative to meat. However, they can be difficult to digest. Friends and family who are grieving, or under a lot of stress, often have digestive systems that are a bit compromised – better to save the beans for sharing at potlucks, and fun celebrations..."

Grieving kids may find that their appetites change daily. We all know how poor nutrition affects learning - the same applies for kids who aren't eating because of the physiological and psychological consequences of acute loss. This is an additional challenge to all the other issues getting in the way of their being successful at shool.

How can we help? Offering them nutritious snacks that we've tucked away in our desk, or containers of chocolate milk we've stashed in the staff fridge ( chocolate milk has a near perfect balance of protein and carbs); all those things we do to support kids who are malnourished.

Taking care of grieving kids isn't just about taking care of their emotional needs; it's also about practical interventions for their physical health as well. Sometimes, we just need to feed them.

Just not beans.

I'm looking forward to meeting a number of you on Thursday, May 10th as we start the new online course, Walking and Talking with Kids about Death and Dying. If you'd still like to register, the link is programs.ldmonline.ca 

Again,let me know what I can do to support you in your work with grieving kids.

Warmly

Wendy

 

Talking with grieving kids and teens

Talking with grieving kids and teens can be an unnerving endeavor : what to say; what to avoid; will I help or make things worse; how much will they understand?

Although there are general guidelines regarding age and stage of development and an understanding of death, each child or teen’s interpretation will depend on a number of factors. So, one place to start is by just asking the child to tell their story about the loss. We can then take our lead from their grasp of the situation.

Asking relevant questions to guide a child/teen’s narrative can also be helpful, especially when we use language which is ‘kid friendly’. Essentially:

•       Use age appropriate language and vocabulary. For younger children, keep your answers short, simple and honest. Even with teens, some expressions related to death or grief may be unfamiliar – check that they have the correct meaning.

•       Be sensitive to developmentally centered questions. For example, when a young child asks, Where’s Mom?” they commonly mean the location of her body. On the other hand, teens asking the same question may be seeking existential answers.

•       For younger kids, use concrete words and information. For example, when describing what it means to be dead, you might say “The body doesn’t breathe anymore, it doesn’t need to eat or drink, it can’t feel pain and the brain isn’t thinking anymore.”

•       Avoid euphemisms – use words such as “died” or “killed” instead of “gone away.” Vague terms leave the child wondering why the loved one hasn’t returned. With teens, using the appropriate words helps to reinforce the reality of the death.

Sometimes, kid friendly language involves more than just the words...

The year after the death of one of my neighbours, a well-loved rancher south of Calgary, his family trekked up the hill where Bob’s ashes had been placed under a large boulder (it’s handy to have big tractors on a ranch). As the adults shared memories of his life, and said comments like “Dad, you always took care of us.” five- year- old Josh was becoming increasingly agitated.

Confused about what was going on, he finally asked his mom “Where’s Granddad?” 

She told him that his grandfather was under the boulder. Suddenly Josh yelled, very loudly, “Hey, if Granddad’s under that rock, somebody better get him out before he dies!”

Thanks, Josh.

Kid Friendly Definitions and language is one of the topics in my upcoming course, Walking and Talking with Kids about Death and Dying. You can find more information about this 3 week course, starting on May 10^th, at  programs.ldmonline.ca

As always, if there's something I can help you with, just let me know at wendy@educationingrief.ca

Wendy