Tuesday, April 30, 2013

(Re-post about March 10th Calgary First Death Cafe)

Standing room only at Calgary’s First Death Café

By Wendy Kurchak

It might have been the half- page article about Death Café that appeared in the Calgary Herald the day before Calgary’s First Death Cafe, it might have been the article “5 Facts about the Death Café” in an event magazine the week before, or it might have been that Calgarians were waiting a long time to talk about all things death; whatever the reason, the 35 registered guests at Calgary’s First Death Café crowded around tables to eat, drink and chat while more than a dozen last minute hopeful drop-ins left with invitations to attend Calgary’s next event – standing room just doesn’t work for a Death Café. It all took place, March 10th, in the peaceful workshop room at Self-Connection Books, one of Calgary’s best resources for books about death, dying and grief.


The café kicked off with Carol Beecher introducing the internationally acclaimed animation she created with partner, Kevin Kurtynik, “Mr. Reaper’s REALLY Bad Morning”. The dynamic 17-minute film stimulated an intriguing Q&A, as well as lively chat in the ensuing small group discussions. One particular table debated how a personification of death might appear to the dying i.e. as a grim reaper, or an angel of light – fascinating conversation.


Across the room, other guests discussed what they would like to have written on their gravestones. The diversity of ideas all reflected a hope that their final epitaphs would reflect meaningful and fully embraced lives – a great example of the underlying concept of Death Café.

The small table conversations were imaginative, open, enthusiastic, and accompanied by laughter and tears among the guests who ranged in age from 21 to over 80 years old. Topics included issues of suffering, helping, funerals, rituals, regrets, life affirmation, grief, retrospection, cremation and whatever else the participants brought to the tables.

We broke at mid-point to help process the feelings accompanying the dialogue by moving around, drinking water, and eating more homemade cake; everyone gathered back to new groups at different tables.


Most participants embraced the break and the change into new groups as shared on the evaluation forms:

“Awesome discussion topics. A safe and welcoming environment!”

“Change mid-way thru – perfect! Timing in each group was perfect.”

“Changing groups was critical. I would have liked equal time in each group”

“Enjoyed changing groups and sharing experiences”

“I’m so grateful for the opportunity to converse with multiple people”

The second half of the café began with a brief reading from the OMEGA Journal of Death and Dying (Vol.66, No.1 – 2012-2013) about an old married couple discussing the right to die with dignity. Some groups chose to start their discussions along that vein, while others chose their own topics, or selected ideas from the list of “Table Topics” on each table which included ideas such as:

What do I want done with my body once I’m dead? Do I want to donate any usable parts?

If someone told me that I only had 2 months to live, what would I really, actually do?

When I die, will I "be" with my dead pets? Dead family members? 


We ended the Sunday afternoon Death Café with a reading about suffering and compassion from His Holiness the Dalai Lama: 

“Before we can generate compassion and love, it is important to have a clear
understanding of what we understand compassion and love to be. In simple terms, compassion and love can be defined as positive thoughts and feelings that give rise to such essential things in life as hope, courage, determination, and inner strength. In the Buddhist tradition, compassion and love are seen as two aspects of the same thing: Compassion is the wish for another being to be free from suffering; love is wanting them to have happiness."

The Death Café guests left with left-over cake and cookies; as my Mom says, “It’s always better to have too much than too little.” I think that at Calgary’s First Death Café, we all received more than we expected – and not just cake. I’m still wondering what I want written onto my gravestone. In fact, I’m wondering if I want a gravestone….

What’s next in Calgary?

Well, Calgary’s Encore Death Café, on May 12th, is already full with more than 50 people currently registered. To accommodate the larger number of guests, we’re moving to a brilliant new location – the Nexen Living Room at the Sage Center – the community outreach facility of Hospice Calgary!

The June 9th Death Café still has about 10 spots but there’s another community newspaper article coming out soon about Death Café, and we expect that that date will fill up soon.

In the meantime, for more information about Calgary Death Cafes, please check out the Death Café website,  or email me at yycdeathcafe@gmail.com

Warmly,

Wendy Kurchak

CT (Certificate Thanatology), B.Ed., B. MusA., DipN (Nursing) DipEd (Guidance)

Mother's Day at Death Cafe

May 12th is the next Death Cafe...
From : "A Special Gift for Mother's Day"


and I'm excited to announce that Calgarian author Mary (Morrissey) Posadowski is our special guest. She'll be reading her newly published book, "A Special Gift for Mother's Day - A Story for Motherless Children of All Ages". Perfect timing.

Then, there'll be plenty of opportunity for small table discussions about all those things that you've ever wondered about death, dying and grief - and how they fit into life and living!

This will be the first Death Cafe in a new venue, The Sage Center, which has been generously donated by Hospice Calgary.* The room is bright, relaxing and will easily accomodate the talk, laughter and movement characteristic of a Death Cafe. It's located at 1245 70th Ave SE - across from the site of the old Costco. There's lots of parking infront and behind The Sage Center, as well as in the parking lot across the street.

We'll start promptly at 2 PM and be finished by 5 PM in time to get home for dinner. There'll be yummy homemade cakes and coffee/tea/juice for refreshments. A limited selection of gluten free cake will also be available.

So, for everyone who is already registered, I'm looking forward to meeting you.

As the May 12th Death Cafe is TOTALLY FULL, there are only seats for folks already on the guest list. I will be sending confirmation emails to those on the list. If you think you should be on the list, and have not heard from me by Monday, May 6, please email me at YYCDeathcafe@gmail.com

IN THE MEANTIME, if you would like to attend a future Sunday afternoon event, there are about 5 spots left for the June 9th Death Cafe. It's going to be an eye opener, with new information about Baby Boomers that might leave your jaw dropping! To grab one of the last places, please email me at YYCDeathcafe@gmail.com

 One more thing - there is also a newly planned Death Cafe for Monday June 24th in conjunction with the people at "Sage-ing". More info here, soon! Or email me!

 Death Cafe - it's about living life more fully through the exploration of death and dying.

 Warmly
WendyKurchak
Certificate Thanatology, B.MusA, B.Ed, Diploma(Guidance), Diploma(Nursing), Certificate(Professional Writing:Marketing/PR)
*(Please note that the Death Cafe in not a Hospice Calgary sponsored event.)

Monday, April 22, 2013

DON'T MISS Edmonton's First Death Cafe

EDMONTON'S FIRST DEATH CAFE IS THIS WEEKEND!

Death cafes are spreading through Canada as more and more of us seek open and honest conversation about real life issues. Now, Edmontonians can gather to talk about all those things that they've wondered about death, dying and grief. April 28th.

Reserve your spot today at EDMdeathcafe@gmail.com


Sunday, April 21, 2013

No Mom on Mother's Day?



"A Special Gift for Mother's Day" Illustration Audrey Smith

I’d like to introduce you to a gentle, heart-warming book about Mother’s Day and grief: “A Special Gift for Mother’s Day – A Story for Motherless Children of All Ages”. 

Written by Calgarian, Mary G. (Morrissey) Posadowski, this charming story describes the difficult situation in which many children and adults find themselves on Mother’s Day or any family-orientated holiday – what to do when your mother has died?

From the back cover of this beautifully illustrated book:

“Mary, a little girl in the first grade, lost her mother when she was three years old. With Mother’s Day fast approaching, her teacher announces to the class that they are all going to make their mothers a gift. What is the motherless child in the class going to do?

This is a true story about a teacher’s kindness and acknowledgment of her student’s loss and a little girl’s acceptance of her circumstances.”

Although Mary wrote this story as a child's book, it's suitable for all ages in it's simple message. The touching poem which she has included is an excellent expression of  continuing bonds with a Mom who has died.

I’ll leave the rest of the story for Mary to share with you; it’s a very moving demonstration of the life-changing impact of a caring teacher. Mary herself was a teacher with whom I was delighted to work with at a Calgary high School – she was one of the most patient and understanding teachers a student could hope to have.

You can get your copy of Mary’s premier book awww.mgmpos.ca. To have your book by Mother's Day, it's best to order it today.

By the way, Mary will be at the May 12th Death Café in Calgary reading her story – can’t wait!

Warmly
Wendy

Friday, April 19, 2013

Birthday + 9 = what?



“A year of ‘firsts’”; it’s how many people refer to the first year after the death of a loved one.
 
My Dad in his 20's with my cousin.
It's actually a time of first “withouts”. So it was the year after my Dad died.

I remember: my first birthday without Dad; the first Easter without Dad making his mushrooms; the first summer without Dad planting some tomatoes; the first time I called home and he wasn’t there; the first time Mom signed the Christmas card just “Love Mom”; then, the first anniversary of Dad’s death.

I flew home to Toronto to be with family on that day – February 8th, 2004.  It was just 9 days after the anniversary of Dad’s birthday - he would have been 81 years old. 

Birthday+9 =Death Day.  Weird concept - birthday and deathday....

We didn’t particularly talk a lot about Dad during our special family dinner, or during the visit to the grave. I was relieved because for me, it was still too painful to think and talk about Dad. It would have meant admitting that he had died. It was a little like Joan Didions' book "The Year of Magical Thinking."

Fast forward to February 8th, 2013 and ten years of anniversaries. Over those years I’ve learned that it’s important for me to acknowledge Dad’s death each year as a milestone in my own life. This year I put a special memorial notice into the Toronto Star (John Kurchak).

 On other anniversaries of Dad's death day I’ve:

·        Written a letter to Dad, and then burned it out in the yard
·        Lit a candle at dinner
·        Called and talked with other family members
·        Told other people the significance of the day
·        Played the piano and sung one of Dad’s favourite songs, “Tumbalalaika”
·        “talked” to Dad to give him an update what’s been going on in my life
·        Set up photos and mementoes in a display – similar to Mexican Day of the Dead rituals
·        Dedicated a charitable donation in Dad’s name
·        Re-read Sympathy cards and the eulogy from his funeral
·        Looked through photo albums of Dad
·        Told stories about Dad to my partner who never met my Dad
·        Set aside time alone to just remember tender moments – a gesture, the sound of Dad’s voice, words of encouragement, his face when I’d come in the house after a year away….

We never break the bonds we have with those we’ve loved. After a death, we hold the connection in our memories, and through recognition of  the impact on our life. Sometimes we see similarities between us and the departed; my Dad cried at movies – so do I. 

The first anniversary of a death may be one of the most difficult. Your memories of the actual death may still be raw and painful. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do. Drink lots of water – you’re likely re-grieving. Find ways to acknowledge your feelings for your loved one – use one of mine, or even better, create a new one that works for you. Take one moment at a time as necessary.

One last word. The first year of grieving is just that – the first year. In the second year, you’re still on the journey of learning to live in a world without your loved one. Be patient. You’re on the right track, dear friends. 

In memory of Dad and Patrick.

Warmly
Wendy

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Coping with traumatic events in Boston

Hi Everyone,

Watching the news about the explosions at the Boston Marathon reminded me that many of us experience trauma, and vicarious trauma, when violent events occur.  I want to share this information which Patti Levin has summarized well. 

"Common Responses to
Trauma & Coping Strategies

Patti Levin, LICSW, PsyD

After a trauma, people may go though a wide range of normal responses.
Such reactions may be experienced not only by people who experienced the trauma first-hand, but by those who have witnessed or heard about the trauma, or been involved with those immediately affected. Many reactions can be triggered by persons, places, or things associated with the trauma. Some reactions may appear totally unrelated.
Here is a list of common physical and emotional reactions to trauma, as well as a list of helpful coping strategies. These are NORMAL reactions to ABNORMAL events.

Physical Reactions

  • aches and pains like headaches, backaches, stomach aches
  • sudden sweating and/or heart palpitations (fluttering)
  • changes in sleep patterns, appetite, interest in sex
  • constipation or diarrhea
  • easily startled by noises or unexpected touch
  • more susceptible to colds and illnesses
  • increased use of alcohol or drugs and/or overeating

Emotional Reactions

  • shock and disbelief
  • fear and/or anxiety
  • grief, disorientation, denial
  • hyper-alertness or hypervigilance
  • irritability, restlessness, outbursts of anger or rage
  • emotional swings -- like crying and then laughing
  • worrying or ruminating -- intrusive thoughts of the trauma
  • nightmares
  • flashbacks -- feeling like the trauma is happening now
  • feelings of helplessness, panic, feeling out of control
  • increased need to control everyday experiences
  • minimizing the experience
  • attempts to avoid anything associated with trauma
  • tendency to isolate oneself
  • feelings of detachment
  • concern over burdening others with problems
  • emotional numbing or restricted range of feelings
  • difficulty trusting and/or feelings of betrayal
  • difficulty concentrating or remembering
  • feelings of self-blame and/or survivor guilt
  • shame
  • diminished interest in everyday activities or depression
  • unpleasant past memories resurfacing
  • loss of a sense of order or fairness in the world; expectation of doom and fear of the future

Helpful Coping Strategies

  • mobilize a support system n reach out and connect with others, especially those who may have shared the stressful event
  • talk about the traumatic experience with empathic listeners
  • cry
  • hard exercise like jogging, aerobics, bicycling, walking
  • relaxation exercise like yoga, stretching, massage
  • humor
  • prayer and/or meditation; listening to relaxing guided imagery; progressive deep muscle relaxation
  • hot baths
  • music and art
  • maintain balanced diet and sleep cycle as much as possible
  • avoid over-using stimulants like caffeine, sugar, or nicotine
  • commitment to something personally meaningful and important every day
  • hug those you love, pets included
  • eat warm turkey, boiled onions, baked potatoes, cream-based soups n these are tryptophane activators, which help you feel tired but good (like after Thanksgiving dinner)
  • proactive responses toward personal and community safety n organize or do something socially active
  • write about your experience n in detail, just for yourself or to share with others
People are usually surprised that reactions to trauma can last longer than they expected. It may take weeks, months, and in some cases, many years to fully regain equilibrium. Many people will get through this period with the help and support of family and friends. But sometimes friends and family may push people to "get over it" before they're ready. Let them know that such responses are not helpful for you right now, though you appreciate that they are trying to help. Many people find that individual, group, or family counseling are helpful, and in particular, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a phenomenally rapid and wonderful therapeutic method. Either way, the key word is CONNECTION n ask for help, support, understanding, and opportunities to talk.
The Chinese character for crisis is a combination of two words -- danger and opportunity. People who fully engage in recovery from trauma discoverunexpected benefits. As they gradually heal their wounds, survivors find that they are also developing inner strength,compassion for others, increasing self-awareness, and often themost surprising -- a greater ability to experience joy and serenity than ever before."

Thanks, Patti.

This information came from David Baldwin's website http://www.trauma-pages.com/s/t-facts.php

If you would like more information about trauma reactions or vicarious trauma, just let me know at wendy@educationingrief.ca.

In the meantime, take care of yourself.

Warmly
Wendy


Saturday, April 13, 2013

6 Ways to Have the Last Word

Post office Landsberg am Lech, Bavaria
Dear Dad,

Dear Rusty dawg,

Dear Grandma,

Dear Loved One,

Writing a letter to a loved one who has died can be a healthy and very helpful way to express the thoughts and feelings we may not have had the chance to say earlier. Sometimes the death is unexpected and sudden. We may not have had the words or courage to say what was on our heart the last time we saw our loved one alive. Or, we just have more that we want to say.

When my friend Ted died of suicide, I wrote him a letter, and then burnt it out on the driveway. However, I know people who have written a letter to a deceased loved one and just put the note away to keep. I also knew a young girl who wrote a letter to her aborted baby and buried the letter under a tree in the cemetery.  Each letter and each decision what to do with the letter is as unique as the grief that we each experience.

Jennifer Wortham, a brilliant expressive art therapist in New York, shared the following ideas  with me during a teleconference we did together for an online course I was teaching.

"Stuff to write in your letter" ( my own title - Jenn is much more eloquent than me)


a.      Three things that the deceased loved one appreciated about you.
b.      Three  things that the deceased loved one disliked about you.
c.      Three things that you appreciated about the deceased loved one.
d.      Three  things that you disliked about the deceased loved one.
e.      A letter asking for forgiveness.
f.    A letter granting forgiveness .

Jenn wisely included topics which cause us to consider the complexity of relationships - they aren't always wonderful or perfect. Sometimes the people we love, can also really annoy us. We need to grief those parts of our loved one's personality  just as we mourn the traits that we adored.

Looking at the list, I'm struggling to believe that there was anything that my Dad disliked about me - I'm his oldest daughter - his first born !!!! Other than a few dumb choices about boyfriends, and moving across the country after university, and forgetting his actual birth day year after year, and losing my Mom at Honest Ed's one time, what was there not to like?

I need to take a breath, and be brave...just like the act of grieving.

In the meantime, I just finished a fascinating book " The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. It's her account of the first year after her husband died mid conversation at dinner. She describes her experience of grief vividly...beautifully written.

Warmly
Wendy





Thursday, April 11, 2013

Right between the eyes....

Just a gentle reminder...to me ... and whoever else wants it.

Warmly
Wendy

Evolution in YYC and Edmonton's got its FIRST Death Cafe!!!!

Evolution, even in death...whoa - that's a weird thought - can anyone take that and run with it?


Death, as in Death Cafe.

I've changed the name of the Death Cafes that I'm hostessing in Calgary to "Death Cafe by Wendy Kurchak Calgary."

This makes it easier for people to find me as other Death Cafes pop up in town. It's exciting to see other venues opening up to facilitate Calgarians desire to talk about death, dying and grief - but I'll still have the best cake!

Also, an easier email address. I got this idea from Rayne in that big city north of Calgary - the one with the 'other' hockey team, and the 'other' football team - you know which one I mean!

The new address is YYCdeathcafe@gmail.com - as in Cal(gary)deathcafe. Great idea - thanks Rayne!

By the way, Rayne is hostessing a Death Cafe in Edmonton on April 28th at Pilgrim Hospice (9808 148 St). It's from 2 to 4 PM and you can register at EDMdeathcafe@gmail.com

Here in YYC - there are only 5 seats left for the June 9th Death Cafe. With the May event already full, if you would like to attend a "Death Cafe by Wendy Kurchak" before the summer break, you should send me a message to that new email address, today.

Stay in touch!
Wendy