Saturday, March 30, 2013

You, your grief, and Easter weekend






Here is it, another holiday, and family and friends are coming together to celebrate. 

Unfortunately, your grief isn't taking a holiday.

Here are a few tips which you might find helpful getting through this Easter weekend.

   1. The anticipation of the day/ holidays often causes a lot of anxiety. However, many bereaved people  say that the lead up time is worse than the actual day. Hold onto the knowledge that although this time may be painful, the actual day will likely be easier than you expect.

2.  Plan ahead how to express grief in a specific time and place – this might include:
a.      Leave an empty chair at the table.
b.      Light a candle, or buy a lily in memory of your loved one.
c.      Go onto a grief support website and write an online tribute about them.
d.      Request prayers at your place of worship.

Be creative. Visualization strategies or art activities seem to work for many people. Having a discussion with the people with whom you’ll be spending the day often generates new ideas as well.

3.  Make a Plan A and B (C, D, and E). Knowing that you can change their plans depending how you’re feeling may help decrease the stress. For example, if Plan A is to go to a relative’s house for dinner, Plan B might be to go to the movies instead.

4.     Do something totally different than the traditional customs. Developing new traditions or rituals can be very validating of your move to engage in tasks related to adapting to a new world without your loved one.

Again, be as creative as you can – there aren’t any “right” or “wrong” ways – just yours.

5.     You may choose to honour the memory of your loved one by helping others during the weekend i.e. volunteer to serve dinner at a Drop-in center.

6.    Focus on, and do the things that will be easy on your emotions and body.

7.      Develop some mantras for coping : for example

·        Be sad. It’s allowed – grief doesn’t take holidays.
·        Laugh. It’s allowed – life goes on.

8.    Spend time with the people that are truly supportive. Sometimes they aren’t family members.

Spring, Easter – times of hope, renewal and life; sometimes it feels so difficult to find these things in the midst of grief. It’s okay. Take one moment at a time when necessary.   

 Breathe.

I hope for you all that you need this weekend.
Warmly
Wendy
 

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Don't forget...

My Calgary "family" at the 2012 Calgary Hike for Hospice
Last year I found a beautifully written article by Rona Maynard.  The piece was a poignant reminder of a lesson I learned  36 years ago as an Emerg nurse in a busy Toronto hospital.

That evening, an Asian woman with a ruptured brain anuerysm had been admitted  to my acute care room . While celebrating her 35th birthday at a local restaurant she collapsed on her way to the table. Without gaining consciousness, without saying "Goodbye" or "I love you." to any of her family or friends, she died.

As I watched her grieving family sobbing and saying their own goodbyes to she who had been their wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend, I told myself, "Never forget that you don't always have tomorrow. Don't wait to tell anyone that you love them - do it today."

Of course, I have forgotten this lesson - often. Maynard's article reminds me;

If I love someone, tell them - today.
If I am grateful to someone, tell them - today.
If I need to say I'm sorry to someone, tell them - today.
If I need to extend grace or forgiveness to someone, tell them - today.
Whatever I need to say or do, do it - today.

Not only may these things lead to a richer and more authentic life today, they may become precious memories on another day. So, don't forget.

So,  here's the link to Rona Maynard's story about friendship:
http://www.ronamaynard.com/index.php?by-phone-or-facebook-an-unforgettable-friendship

Wendy

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

June 9th Death Cafe Information

Welcome to Calgary's 3rd Death Cafe on June 9th!
Wendy & guests at Calgary's First Death Cafe

Enjoy an afternoon of conversation about all things related to death, dying and grief. Share coffee/tea and homemade cake while you discuss a range of topics with others in small groups.

Sunday, June 9
2 to 5 PM
Nexen Living Room, Sage Center
1245  70 Avenue S.E ( Hospice Calgary Outreach Center)

(Please note : Although Hospice Calgary has generously provided the space for the Death Cafe, the cafe is not a Calgary Hospice event)

There's no charge for attending any Death Cafe event, however you are  invited to donate "A Toonie a Treat" for the refreshments ( seconds are on the house!)  The proceeds will be donated to the Family and Youth services of Hospice Calgary.

For more information, please email me at wendymariek@gmail.com., see www.deathcafe.com, or the Calgary Herald articles by Zoey Duncan, and Jon Roe.

Please note that to attend the June 9th Death Cafe, you will need a confirmation of your registration from me: just send me a request at wendymariek@gmail.com.

In the meantime, take care.

Warmly,

Wendy Kurchak
CT (Certificate Thanatology), B.Ed.,  B.MusA.,  Dip.N(Nursing),  Dip.Ed (Guidance)

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Death Cafe Cake Recipe!

  Hi Everyone

This is a re-post of a recipe from my other blog - April 29/12 www.adishofkindness.blogspot.com. I made this cake for the March 10 Calgary's First Death Cafe!

Cinnamon-Walnut Coffee Cake


"Big H" with his Cinnamon-Walnut Coffe Cake  birthday cake
 3 dogs, 4 cats, a herd of cows, and the occasional black bear; living in the Foothills outside of Calgary, I was a single divorced woman and  these critters were my buddies. My wonderful Uncle Lennie, a confirmed bachelor, thought this strange, and suggested it might be an idea to check out some type of cultural event in the big city. “Hang out with people, Wendy.”

SO, I discovered an event sponsored by the Calgary Culture Club which seemed fun and easy. It was there, in a small music club, that I met... Big H.

He was tall, dark and handsome, and sounded like Arnie (you know, Schwarzenegger). Deciding that he “might be the one”, my 4'10" Ukrainian Mom became fierce with her suggestions for encouraging the relationship.
  
“Make a cake.” Apparently, the way to his heart was through his stomach.

I definitely needed a good recipe. My copy of Sarah Waxman’s cookbook, Back Roads and Country Cooking, lost its paperback cover years ago. The book now just opens to a page thick and stained from spills of whatever; it’s the recipe for Cinnamon - Walnut Coffee Cake.

This cake is SO easy to make. It’s delicious, moist, keeps well and it’s good for breakfast, brunch, snacks, dessert, etc. It’s my favourite cake to take to friends and neighbours who need some kindness – it feels like real “comfort food”, and it’s easy to transport. 
The recipe calls for walnuts, but I prefer pecans – I just like them better. Also, the recipe is in old-fashioned Imperial measurements – the cookbook was published in 1985.
The entire recipe can be made in a food processor. However, because I only have a small Moulinex, I use the processor for the butter-sugar mixture, and then blend the batter in a regular bowl.
This is the cake I made for Big H. I served it for a Saturday brunch.
He liked it so much that he stayed for dinner. Then he just stayed.
Yesterday, I made it for his birthday - Cinnamon-Walnut Coffee Cake aka Birthday cake. Looks like Mom was right.
Cinnamon-Walnut Coffee Cake      (Sara Waxman)
½ cup walnuts (or pecans)
1 ½ cups sugar
1 tbsp. cinnamon
½ cup cold butter, cut into 4 pieces
1 tsp. vanilla
2 eggs
1 cup sour cream (I often replace the sour cream with low fat plain yogurt)
1 ½ cups all-purpose flour
1 ½ tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1/8 tsp. salt
In a food processor fitted with a metal blade, place walnuts, ½ cup of the sugar, and the cinnamon. Process, turning on and off, until mixture is combined and nuts are coarsely chopped. Pour the cinnamon-walnut mixture into a small bowl and set aside.
In the food processor, still with the same blade, place the butter, remaining 1 cup of sugar, and the vanilla. Process until all the ingredients are combined, about 30 seconds. Add the eggs and sour cream (or yogurt) and process for about 1 minute, or until thoroughly mixed.
In a mixing bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Stir to mix, and then add to butter-sugar mixture. Turn the food processor on and off a few times until the flour is absorbed.
Butter and flour a 9-cup tube pan or an 8- inch spring-form pan. Place half the batter in the pan; top with half the cinnamon-walnut mixture. Add the remaining batter (it is easier if you add it by the tablespoon, and then use the spoon to spread it evenly). Sprinkle the top evenly with remaining cinnamon-walnut mixture.
Bake in a 350 degree F oven for 45 to 50 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack.
Done! How easy is that?
Once this cake is cooled, I wrap it tightly in saran wrap to take to whoever needs a taste of sweet, homey comfort food. My 79 year old, next door neighbour who recently fell off his step ladder while washing the top of his pickup truck (I live in Calgary, right?) loved this cake. Seemed just the right thing to make that broken hip feel better.
If you can get your hands on a used copy of Back Roads and Country Cooking, do it - this book is full of delicious recipes from east to west, north to south Ontario.
In the meantime.food may, or may not be the way to someone’s heart, but heeding the wisdom of bachelor uncle, and older women  may be just what we need to find a fairer path.


How has sharing food connected you with a friend, new co-worker, neighbour or family member? How has someone else's kindness over a kitchen table helped you through a really crummy time?


No story is too short, no recipe is too difficult for us to share your experience - let's just share some kindness.

Wendy

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Kids and Funerals

 

" I want to go to my friend's funeral."

(This is a re-post from 2011, but it's always a hot topic)


So – funerals and kids. For many kids, their first experience with a funeral is at the death of a grandparent. I can still remember my own grief, confusion, and anxiousness at my Grandma's funeral 43 years ago - I was 15 years old. 
The role of funerals in Canadian culture has been changing over the past couple of decades. We’re seeing a move away from ‘traditional’ funerals as baby boomers influence what and how they see this ritual playing out.
 
Regardless, the essential purposes of a funeral service still tend to benefit both kids and adults:
1.      It strengthens the reality of the death
2.      It facilitates a time and place for the community to recognize the family/friends as mourners
3.      It facilitates a time and place for the community to provide emotional support to each other
4.      It facilitates the expression of grief and pain
5.      It often marks a point in time to initiate the grieving process  
6.      It allows the bereaved to remember and honour their loved one
7.      It facilitates the practice of cultural rituals that encourage the grief process
8.      It allows time for a final goodbye to the physical body
 
 More and more research reveals the advantage to a kid/teen's grieving outcome when they're encouraged to participate in the funeral if they desire. A friend has a story about being 'forced' to sing with other family members at an aunt’s funeral; it didn’t seem to be a helpful experience in the kids' grieving - at all.
 
 The actual choice whether a young kid, or teen for that matter, should or shouldn't attend a funeral seems best ascertained after talking with them about what they might encounter. Personally, if someone asked me if I wanted to go somewhere unknown, do and see unfamiliar things and be with a bunch of crying people, I'd say "No" pretty quick, too.
 
It’s important to talk with kids/teens before, during and after the funeral.
As a guidance counselor, I often had teens that wanted to attend the funeral of a friend, but were nervous because it would be their first experience. Helping them understand what to expect, and then following up afterward so they could reflect on the event seemed a helpful intervention. The students often returned to talk as they continued their grief journey.
 
Suggesting to parents that they have someone who can explain what’s happening sit next to a younger child during the funeral may help a parent consumed by their own grief. This suggestion might be made through a sibling, another relative, or by speaking to the parent directly.
 
Each culture has funeral rituals that reflect their belief system. So, if your student is from a non-Canadian / North American culture, it might be helpful to try one of the following resources for information:

Sometimes, it just helps to have some ideas about funerals so WE can be the resource for a grieving student or family. Alan Wolfelt has some more ideas at:


http://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fritual.html&site_id=3

In the meantime, if there's anything I can help you with, just let me know.

Warmly
Wendy



May 12 Special Day for Death Cafe



Hi Everyone,

I just want to give you all a “heads-up” that May 12 is not only Calgary’s Encore Death Café, but also Mother’s Day.

If you would like to move your Death Café date to June 9th for this reason, please let me know so that I can save you a spot on the 9th.

In the meantime, I’m looking forward to Calgary's ENCORE Death Cafe!

In the meantime, I would like to share with you a couple of articles about ‘green burials’  – have you heard of them before? What are your thoughts about an environmentally friendly burial?



Thought-provoking, isn’t it?

Something you might want to discuss further at a Death Café.

Until then, take care.
Warmly
Wendy Kurchak
CT(Certified Thanatology) B.Ed. B.MusA. DipEd(Guidance) DipN(Nursing)