Kids and Funerals

 

" I want to go to my friend's funeral."

(This is a re-post from 2011, but it's always a hot topic)

So – funerals and kids. For many kids, their first experience with a funeral is at the death of a grandparent. I can still remember my own grief, confusion, and anxiousness at my Grandma's funeral 43 years ago - I was 15 years old. 

The role of funerals in Canadian culture has been changing over the past couple of decades. We’re seeing a move away from ‘traditional’ funerals as baby boomers influence what and how they see this ritual playing out.

 

Regardless, the essential purposes of a funeral service still tend to benefit both kids and adults:

1.      It strengthens the reality of the death

2.      It facilitates a time and place for the community to recognize the family/friends as mourners

3.      It facilitates a time and place for the community to provide emotional support to each other

4.      It facilitates the expression of grief and pain

5.      It often marks a point in time to initiate the grieving process  

6.      It allows the bereaved to remember and honour their loved one

7.      It facilitates the practice of cultural rituals that encourage the grief process

8.      It allows time for a final goodbye to the physical body

 

 More and more research reveals the advantage to a kid/teen's grieving outcome when they're encouraged to participate in the funeral if they desire. A friend has a story about being 'forced' to sing with other family members at an aunt’s funeral; it didn’t seem to be a helpful experience in the kids' grieving - at all.

 

 The actual choice whether a young kid, or teen for that matter, should or shouldn't attend a funeral seems best ascertained after talking with them about what they might encounter. Personally, if someone asked me if I wanted to go somewhere unknown, do and see unfamiliar things and be with a bunch of crying people, I'd say "No" pretty quick, too.

 

It’s important to talk with kids/teens before, during and after the funeral.

As a guidance counselor, I often had teens that wanted to attend the funeral of a friend, but were nervous because it would be their first experience. Helping them understand what to expect, and then following up afterward so they could reflect on the event seemed a helpful intervention. The students often returned to talk as they continued their grief journey.

 

Suggesting to parents that they have someone who can explain what’s happening sit next to a younger child during the funeral may help a parent consumed by their own grief. This suggestion might be made through a sibling, another relative, or by speaking to the parent directly.

 

Each culture has funeral rituals that reflect their belief system. So, if your student is from a non-Canadian / North American culture, it might be helpful to try one of the following resources for information:

•  http://www.funeralwise.com/customs/
•  http://www.nasponline.org/resources/principals/culture_death.aspx
• www.bruyere.org/uploads/files/multicultural_practices_en.pd  - this is a great resource
• another teacher or student from the same culture
• a community leader or religious leader from that culture
• a parent or relative of the student 

Sometimes, it just helps to have some ideas about funerals so WE can be the resource for a grieving student or family. Alan Wolfelt has some more ideas at:


http://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fritual.html&site_id=3

In the meantime, if there's anything I can help you with, just let me know.

Warmly
Wendy