Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Grief and Technology

The internet - a 21st century tool for helping the age old challenge of grief.

There are scads of websites, articles, and resources offering support for caring counselors and teachers working with grieving kids. However, some of the online material I've seen is outdated, and/or based on inadequate research.

So, what are some reliable internet websites about grief? How about we start with one website I'm using today?

The Assocation for Death Education and Counselling, with its uplifting and fun name, is an excellent general site to start looking for articles and links. www.adec.org

ADEC has information about webinars, educational programs, speakers, conferences, articles, and links to some international hospice/bereavement programs, including Canada.

One of the links under 'For the Public' -> 'Coping with Loss' is The Dougy Center in Oregon. This national center has been a flagship for for grieving kids and families  for over 25 years. http://www.dougy.org . 

You might find this activity for stimulating articulation of thoughts and feelings helpful - http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/activities/ . It has some great sentence stems you might want to try. If you find some that work particularly well, I invite you to share them with the rest of us.

Valentine's Day can be difficult if you've lost a love. If you are grieving and sad today, I hope that your memories bring some measure of  happiness as well.  I send you peace and a warm hug.




I'm off to Toronto tomorrow to celebrate my Mom's 80th birthday.

Until later, take care of yourself...Wendy




Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Keeping our balance

Working with grieving kids, and all the other 'gak' that finds its way into our guidance offices can take its toll on our well-being. To stay healthy and happy it's good to have fun and relaxation, other interests, new learning and just things that are totally new to our brains.

Years ago, okay, many years ago,  at the University of Western Ontario, I conducted a few choirs and orchestras in my quest for a music degree (B.MusA.,19980) Small groups of musicians in small rooms. So, when I saw the attached TED presentation, my whole perspective of "conducting" was blown wide open - new learning!

The music, the scope of vision and the creativeness of Eric Whitacre are things that might help bring balance to you today.....take 15 minutes at lunch, relax, and have a look.....

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/eric_whitacre_a_virtual_choir_2_000_voices_strong.html

If music's not your thing, www.ted.com has scads of other wonderful presentations to take you to another place in your day, as does www.YouTube.com , www.Stumbleupon.com, and my favourite, www.mls.ca 

Enjoy!

Wendy



Monday, February 6, 2012


Theories of grief - a course!

 If you've found the last couple of blogs fascinating, you might really enjoy this great. Fast, and full of info!

http://www.lifeanddeathmatters.ca/Online-Courses/theories-of-grief-and-loss-beyond-kubler-ross.html

Let me know if you'd like some additional information about the course.

Take care,
Wendy
Just to remind me....

 This morning I found a link on my Facebook page to a beautifully written article by Rona Maynard.  The piece is a poignant reminder of a lesson I learned  36 years ago as an Emerg nurse in a busy Toronto hospital.

That evening an Asian woman with a ruptured brain anuerysm had been admitted  to my acute care room . While celebrating her 35th birthday at a local Chinese restaurant she collapsed on her way to the table. Without gaining consciousness, without saying "Goodbye" or "I love you." to any of her family or friends, she died.

As I watched her grieving family sobbing and saying their own goodbyes to she who had been their wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend, I told myself, "Never forget that you don't always have tomorrow. Don't wait to tell anyone that you love them - do it today."

Of course, I have forgotten this lesson - often. Maynard's article reminds me;

If I love someone, tell them - today.
If I am grateful to someone, tell them - today.
If I need to say I'm sorry to someone, tell them - today.
If I need to extend grace or forgiveness to someone, tell them - today.
Whatever I need to say or do, do it - today.

Not only may these things lead to a richer and more authentic life today, they may become precious memories on another day.

So,  here's the link to Rona Maynard's story about friendship:
http://www.ronamaynard.com/index.php?by-phone-or-facebook-an-unforgettable-friendship

BTW - the picture, on the beach at Lake Simcoe on a warm Thanksgiving weekend a couple of years ago,  is me with my best friend - my sister Pat.

Wendy


Sunday, February 5, 2012


“Phases”
Another Way to look at the Process of Grief ....

So, if Kubler-Ross defined dying in stages, which are like a state of being, some contemporary thanatologists describe grief in phases which are more suggestive of a process than a state.

The usefulness of any theory may be defined by the degree to which it facilitates the  creation of practical interventions for our grieving students. Some theories may work better for one counselor than another.

So, for another perspective of a task/phase theory of grief,  I’ll try to draw parallels between Worden’s task model from the last blog and an example of a phase theory. Again, let’s assume that the student’s loss is the death of a loved one

Colin  Murray Parkes, a pioneer in thanatology, proposed that mourning occurs within the following 4 phases:

1.     Shock and Numbness

2.     Yearning and Searching

3.     Disorganization and Despair

4.     Reorganization

 Phase one’s “Shock and Numbness”, are also components in Worden’s first task, to accept the reality of the loss (see previous blog). A grieving student may seem to be functioning just fine, but the numbness created by the shock of the loss prevents the reality of the death from sinking in. The interventions discussed in our discussion about Worden’s first task would certainly work in this phase i.e. providing teachers with information about the physiological effects of grief, and class accommodations.

Parkes’ second phase “Yearning and Searching” is another element of a bereaved student’s attempt to accept the reality of their loss. As a grieving student experiences the constant frustration in a futile search for the deceased person the reality of the death begins to move from head to heart.

During the third phase, “Disorganization and Despair”, we may be able to help the student with the interventions previously suggested regarding Worden’s third task – those are the ones that help the student adjust to the new environment in which the deceased is missing i.e. changing timetables to accommodate new part-time job.
Parkes’ poignant title for this phase is so descriptive of the experience of a bereaved student at this point of grieving. The despair and disorganization created by their loss may be so overwhelming that some students just can’t cope with their grief and the demands of school – they may need your help negotiating a medical exemption for a semester. Some kids just drop out until they are ready to return.

In the last phase, “Reorganization”, our work with a grieving student may be one of support as they re-define their identity, roles and relationship with the deceased. Contrary to popular belief, the bereaved don’t actually “let go” of their deceased loved one. In fact, kids that develop a new type of relationship with their deceased loved one seem to have the healthiest outcomes in their grieving. That’s a really interesting issue we might look at in the near future – how to help kids develop continuing bonds with their loved one.        

In the meantime, I’m wondering what “aha moment” you might have experienced while reading about tasks or phases of grief. Are there personal examples that come to mind about tasks or phases expressed or experienced in any of your grieving students? What interventions did you find helpful with the student? What were some of the challenges?

Take care of you.

Wendy