Talking with grieving kids and teens

Talking with grieving kids and teens can be an unnerving endeavor : what to say; what to avoid; will I help or make things worse; how much will they understand?

Although there are general guidelines regarding age and stage of development and an understanding of death, each child or teen’s interpretation will depend on a number of factors. So, one place to start is by just asking the child to tell their story about the loss. We can then take our lead from their grasp of the situation.

Asking relevant questions to guide a child/teen’s narrative can also be helpful, especially when we use language which is ‘kid friendly’. Essentially:

•       Use age appropriate language and vocabulary. For younger children, keep your answers short, simple and honest. Even with teens, some expressions related to death or grief may be unfamiliar – check that they have the correct meaning.

•       Be sensitive to developmentally centered questions. For example, when a young child asks, Where’s Mom?” they commonly mean the location of her body. On the other hand, teens asking the same question may be seeking existential answers.

•       For younger kids, use concrete words and information. For example, when describing what it means to be dead, you might say “The body doesn’t breathe anymore, it doesn’t need to eat or drink, it can’t feel pain and the brain isn’t thinking anymore.”

•       Avoid euphemisms – use words such as “died” or “killed” instead of “gone away.” Vague terms leave the child wondering why the loved one hasn’t returned. With teens, using the appropriate words helps to reinforce the reality of the death.

Sometimes, kid friendly language involves more than just the words...

The year after the death of one of my neighbours, a well-loved rancher south of Calgary, his family trekked up the hill where Bob’s ashes had been placed under a large boulder (it’s handy to have big tractors on a ranch). As the adults shared memories of his life, and said comments like “Dad, you always took care of us.” five- year- old Josh was becoming increasingly agitated.

Confused about what was going on, he finally asked his mom “Where’s Granddad?” 

She told him that his grandfather was under the boulder. Suddenly Josh yelled, very loudly, “Hey, if Granddad’s under that rock, somebody better get him out before he dies!”

Thanks, Josh.

Kid Friendly Definitions and language is one of the topics in my upcoming course, Walking and Talking with Kids about Death and Dying. You can find more information about this 3 week course, starting on May 10^th, at  programs.ldmonline.ca

As always, if there's something I can help you with, just let me know at wendy@educationingrief.ca

Wendy