Keeping our balance

Working with grieving kids, and all the other 'gak' that finds its way into our guidance offices can take its toll on our well-being. To stay healthy and happy it's good to have fun and relaxation, other interests, new learning and just things that are totally new to our brains.

Years ago, okay, many years ago,  at the University of Western Ontario, I conducted a few choirs and orchestras in my quest for a music degree (B.MusA.,19980) Small groups of musicians in small rooms. So, when I saw the attached TED presentation, my whole perspective of "conducting" was blown wide open - new learning!

The music, the scope of vision and the creativeness of Eric Whitacre are things that might help bring balance to you today.....take 15 minutes at lunch, relax, and have a look.....

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/eric_whitacre_a_virtual_choir_2_000_voices_strong.html

If music's not your thing, www.ted.com has scads of other wonderful presentations to take you to another place in your day, as does www.YouTube.com , www.Stumbleupon.com, and my favourite, www.mls.ca 

Enjoy!

Wendy

Theories of grief - a course!

 If you've found the last couple of blogs fascinating, you might really enjoy this great. Fast, and full of info!

http://www.lifeanddeathmatters.ca/Online-Courses/theories-of-grief-and-loss-beyond-kubler-ross.html

Let me know if you'd like some additional information about the course.

Take care,
Wendy

Just to remind me....

 This morning I found a link on my Facebook page to a beautifully written article by Rona Maynard.  The piece is a poignant reminder of a lesson I learned  36 years ago as an Emerg nurse in a busy Toronto hospital.

That evening an Asian woman with a ruptured brain anuerysm had been admitted  to my acute care room . While celebrating her 35th birthday at a local Chinese restaurant she collapsed on her way to the table. Without gaining consciousness, without saying "Goodbye" or "I love you." to any of her family or friends, she died.

As I watched her grieving family sobbing and saying their own goodbyes to she who had been their wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend, I told myself, "Never forget that you don't always have tomorrow. Don't wait to tell anyone that you love them - do it today."

Of course, I have forgotten this lesson - often. Maynard's article reminds me;

If I love someone, tell them - today.
If I am grateful to someone, tell them - today.
If I need to say I'm sorry to someone, tell them - today.
If I need to extend grace or forgiveness to someone, tell them - today.
Whatever I need to say or do, do it - today.

Not only may these things lead to a richer and more authentic life today, they may become precious memories on another day.

So,  here's the link to Rona Maynard's story about friendship:
http://www.ronamaynard.com/index.php?by-phone-or-facebook-an-unforgettable-friendship

BTW - the picture, on the beach at Lake Simcoe on a warm Thanksgiving weekend a couple of years ago,  is me with my best friend - my sister Pat.

Wendy

“Phases”

Another Way to look at the Process of Grief ....

So, if Kubler-Ross defined dying in stages, which are like a state of being, some contemporary thanatologists describe grief in phases which are more suggestive of a process than a state.

The usefulness of any theory may be defined by the degree to which it facilitates the  creation of practical interventions for our grieving students. Some theories may work better for one counselor than another.

So, for another perspective of a task/phase theory of grief,  I’ll try to draw parallels between Worden’s task model from the last blog and an example of a phase theory. Again, let’s assume that the student’s loss is the death of a loved one

Colin  Murray Parkes, a pioneer in thanatology, proposed that mourning occurs within the following 4 phases:

1.     Shock and Numbness

2.     Yearning and Searching

3.     Disorganization and Despair

4.     Reorganization

 Phase one’s “Shock and Numbness”, are also components in Worden’s first task, to accept the reality of the loss (see previous blog). A grieving student may seem to be functioning just fine, but the numbness created by the shock of the loss prevents the reality of the death from sinking in. The interventions discussed in our discussion about Worden’s first task would certainly work in this phase i.e. providing teachers with information about the physiological effects of grief, and class accommodations.

Parkes’ second phase “Yearning and Searching” is another element of a bereaved student’s attempt to accept the reality of their loss. As a grieving student experiences the constant frustration in a futile search for the deceased person the reality of the death begins to move from head to heart.

During the third phase, “Disorganization and Despair”, we may be able to help the student with the interventions previously suggested regarding Worden’s third task – those are the ones that help the student adjust to the new environment in which the deceased is missing i.e. changing timetables to accommodate new part-time job.

Parkes’ poignant title for this phase is so descriptive of the experience of a bereaved student at this point of grieving. The despair and disorganization created by their loss may be so overwhelming that some students just can’t cope with their grief and the demands of school – they may need your help negotiating a medical exemption for a semester. Some kids just drop out until they are ready to return.

In the last phase, “Reorganization”, our work with a grieving student may be one of support as they re-define their identity, roles and relationship with the deceased. Contrary to popular belief, the bereaved don’t actually “let go” of their deceased loved one. In fact, kids that develop a new type of relationship with their deceased loved one seem to have the healthiest outcomes in their grieving. That’s a really interesting issue we might look at in the near future – how to help kids develop continuing bonds with their loved one.        

In the meantime, I’m wondering what “aha moment” you might have experienced while reading about tasks or phases of grief. Are there personal examples that come to mind about tasks or phases expressed or experienced in any of your grieving students? What interventions did you find helpful with the student? What were some of the challenges?

Take care of you.

Wendy

Roll over Kubler-Ross

Roll over Kubler-Ross; your “5 stages of dying” are just no longer required as the quintessential model of grief!

 Kubler-Ross never did intend that her work be expanded to describe the process of grieving. Nevertheless, in the absence of other easily available material in the 1970’s, our culture adapted her stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance as a roadmap for grieving.

However, contemporary research in Thanatology, the study of death, dying and grief, has been remarkably active and productive over the past half century. Now, it is "phases"," tasks" or "styles" that represent only a few of the multitule of models that describe an individual’s experience of loss; even the validity of these processes are questioned as contemporary researchers discover the incredible uniqueness of an individual’s grief.

 In the meantime, as we wait for even more current models, let’s have a look at those"tasks".

William Worden, the well - respected guru of the task based process of grief, proposes that it’s the accomplishment of certain tasks that defines the process of grieving. These tasks include:

1.      Accept the reality of the death.

2.      Work through the pain of grief.                         

3.      Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.

4.      Emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.

 Grieving kids may work on several tasks at a time, in any order, and may come back to them over and over again. (In fact they will come back to them as they “re-grieve” – stay tuned for this fascinating topic at a future date!)

 So, how might these tasks look in a child or teen’s journey of grief? How may we as teachers/counselors facilitate a bereaved student’s grief tasks from a school perspective? Let’s consider these questions, one task at a time, with the assumption that the loss is death of a loved one.

1.      Accept the Reality of the Death

 ·        During this first task a bereaved student struggles with the shock and denial related to the death. A grieving student may appear as if they are doing just fine in the weeks and months immediately following the loss. The just haven’t yet moved from numbness and disbelief. When they are able to accept the reality of the death, we’ll begin to see evidence of the next task.

 

·        It takes time for the student to comprehend that their loved one is permanently gone. A student may need a few months to accept the reality of a loss before they are able to move on to the next task -> keep checking in with the student to asses where they might be with regards to this task -> between 3 to 4 months post loss is a time when we may expect to see some movement in this task.

2.      Work through the Pain of Grief

 

In this task we see the consuming and exhausting manifestations of a student’s grief. These may be characterized through a kid’s individual style of grief. (“Grieving Styles” were touched on briefly in a previous blog – we’ll look at these a little more closely in the near future.)

           Students working through this task may also experience, and/or express, any of the following:

·        The depth of pain may prompt a desire to avoid or flee from the suffering.

·        Increased feelings of panic or anxiety about their current situation and/or the future.

·        Guilt - such as “If only I had______”.

·        A death wish to be with the deceased or to end their own suffering.

·        Bereaved children exhausted from grieving may begin to find school overwhelming.

·        Some students choose to withdraw – either formally, or by default.

·        Essentially, assess the student’s individual grief responses and make the appropriate accommodations -> each and every grieving student will be different!

è  i.e. Adjust a student’s timetable, courses, etc. if a kid is having difficulty getting to school in the morning due to insomnia

·        You may want to talk with high school students who have diploma or final exams about deferrals or other accommodations.

·        Do a suicide risk assessment as necessary ->  query “suicide contagion” phenomenon if the loss was due to suicide                                                                      

3.      Adjust to an Environment in which the Deceased is Missing

 For many bereaved students the act of learning new skills and roles during this very chaotic and unsettled time forces them to change how they must now live without their loved one. There are a multitude of new roles and responsibilities created by the primary and secondary losses related to a death or other losses.

·        Again, assess the student’s individual grief responses and make the appropriate accommodations -> even siblings from the same family may grieve very differently

·        Also, we may help these students by discussing an adjustment in their timetables, providing accommodations regarding assignments, offering guidance as they work through problem-solving of new issues, etc.

4.      Emotionally Relocate the Deceased

This type of relocation means that the bereaved student finds ways to alter the emotional investment as it once existed in the relationship with the deceased so that the child/teen can ‘move on’ with their life

·        I.e. Working with a student whose mom has died may involve discussion of a question such as “If I’m nice to my Dad’s new girlfriend, does it mean that I don’t love my real Mom anymore?”

·        Engaging in new activities and relationships may indicate that a grieving student is involved in this task. This can take many months/years.

So, there you go – Worden’s Task Model of Grief.

Hopefully, this model’s perspective helps make better sense of a grieving student’s behaviour, in addition to providing a new angle from which to develop effective, and compassionate interventions.

In the next blog: “Phase/Stage – What’s the difference when it comes to a kid’s grief?”

Teachers helping grieving students build new paths for life.

Hi Everyone,

Yesterday I received an email from a friend I had been been supporting since the deaths of both his mom and a dear friend within two weeks of each other. I had been encouraging my buddy to take some "down time" to relax, drink lots of water, etc.

When I read his email I was reminded, again, that we all have grieving styles which exist on a continuum somewhere between "intuitive grievers", which is the type of grief we typically think of as normal grief, to "instrumental grievers".

My friend's message is an excellent example of an instrumental griever:

"I worked all weekend but I find it kind of relaxing."

Instrumental grievers experience and express their grieve through "doing" versus "feeling". They prefer to problem solve rather than feel emotions, they process their grief through action instead of talking.

Choosing the most helpful interventions for a grieving student may be determined by assessing where on the continuum the student may be at that particular moment.

Asking " How do you feel" may elicit an "I don't know" from an instrumental griever. Try asking, "What are you thinking?" or "What problems are on your mind?"

I'll talk more about interventions for instrumental and intuitive grievers again...

In the meantime, take care of yourself as the holidays draw nigh...

Warmly,
Wendy

Teachers and students working together to create new paths for living, one step at a time.

Helping Kids through the Holidays

Just like the Wise men, farmers and shepherds in those sweet, upcoming Christmas pageants, the holidays are drawing 'nigh'!

Right about now we often begin to see a number of students showing up in our offices, anxious about any number of issues related to the season. These concerns might include expectations and disappointments, messy family dynamics, as well as a dread of coping with grief during this period.

 As a proactive intervention, we might even consider initiating conversations with kids we know who have experienced significant losses over the year.

Once these kids arrive in our office, having a stocking full of strategies can be helpful. Here are a number of ideas that students have found helpful in the past:

1.     Reassure a kid that even though the anticipation of the holidays can be scary and painful, they can and will get through the event. It helps to let them know that in many instances, the time leading up to the day is worse than the actual day.

2.     Helping kids develop a plan of what THEY would like to do, and then helping them discuss it with their parents can make a big difference to your student.

 Encourage your student to be creative – you may want to use some visualization or art activities with them.

 The plan should include how to express grief in a specific time and place – this might include:

      a.     Leave an empty chair at the table.

b.     Light a candle, or place a bulb on the tree in memory of their loved one.

c.      Go onto a grief support website and write an online tribute about them.

d.     Request prayers at their place of worship.

3.     Encourage kids to make a Plan A and B (C, D, and E). Knowing that they can change their plans depending how they are feeling, may help decrease the stress.

For example, if Plan A is to go to Aunt Mary’s for dinner, Plan B might be to go to stay home instead.

4.     Ask the student what it would be like to do something totally different than their traditional customs.

They may appreciate your advocacy with their parent(s) in discussion and implementation of their ideas.

5.     Encouraging creativity may also facilitate discussion and reminiscing about the loss – these are very therapeutic tools for processing grief.

 I.e. create a “Remembrance bulb” to hang on the Christmas tree, write a new song, or make a movie of past Christmas memories.

Reminiscing about the past helps to process grief in a number of ways – it is okay, and good, to” remember”.

6.     Many families find it meaningful to “honour their loved one” by helping others during the holidays i.e. volunteer to serve dinner at a Drop-in center.

 What sorts of activities would the student find significant in this regard? Could they do it on their own, or with a friend, if other family members were reluctant to participate?

7.     Encourage your student to focus and do the things that will be easy on their emotions and body – they are likely to be exhausted. 

  Helping the student make a list of activities they find particularly relaxing may give them a concrete reminder to rest.

    8.      Help the student develop mantras for coping : for example

·       Be sad. It’s allowed – grief doesn’t take holidays.

·       Laugh. It’s allowed – life goes on.

9.      Encourage the student to spend time with the people that they identify as supportive.

 Again, making a list of names with the student may provide a concrete reminder who they can call during the holidays.

*It is especially important to follow up with these kids AFTER the holidays.

·       What strategies worked for them?
·       How can they continue to use those coping methods in their daily life?
·       What didn’t work for them?
·        What situations occurring during the holidays need to be addressed?

Before leaving this particular subject for the moment:

 I wonder how some of these strategies might be incorporated into YOUR holiday season?

What tips might you take as your own so that the holidays are as relaxing and restorative as possible for you?

It's holiday time for you too! YAY!

In the meantime, take care of YOU.

Teachers and kids creating new paths for living - one step at a time.