(also posted on www.ahpca.ca)
It was forty
years ago, in a large downtown hospital that I worked my first Christmas Eve shift
as a new nursing grad. As was the hospital tradition, a call went out during
the night for nurses willing to sing carols strolling
through the wards on Christmas morning . I thought it was a brilliant idea and jumped at the chance
to participate.
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| c. Vancouver Sun |
Many
years of voice lessons landed me a position at the front of our little group where
I had a clear view into patient’s rooms as we sang our way through the
wards. We started on the orthopaedic floor where skiers with their legs in
traction smiled and waved as we passed their doors. All was merry and fine until
we entered the oncology floor which included our hospital’s answer to hospice
palliative care – a few rooms away from the nursing station.
Passing
these rooms, I saw some patients too ill to wave, some with expressions of
sweet remembrance, and others who garnered
their strength to whisper ”Thank you”. Some of the patients had family members
by their beds – holding their hands, wiping tears from their faces: some of the
patients were alone; for many, it would be their last Christmas.
By the
time we reached the unit door, I’d been gently moved to the back of the group;
I couldn’t sing through my tears. For
the first time in my life, I understood that Christmas wasn’t all fun and cheer
– it could be a very difficult time for those struggling with illness, dying
and grief.
The
holiday season holds many challenges for those who have lost a loved one in the
past year, or so. For example, meeting
the expectations of established family traditions, or the “merry ho-ho” attitude
of our culture just add stress to the grief.
“If
the grief is fresh, holiday cheer can seem like an affront and celebrations may
underscore how alone people feel,” notes Dr. Michael
Miller,
editor in chief of the Harvard Mental
Health Letter.
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| c. Kurchak |
Coping
with the holiday season takes some thought and pre-planning but it is possible
to survive intact and healthy. Here are some tips that the bereaved have found
helpful during the holidays.
Acknowledge that the holiday season will be difficult
- Many bereaved say that the anticipation of the day/ holiday is often worse than the actual day itself.
- Heads up: although the first holiday without a loved one is difficult, some people find that there are still some challenges in the second year after a death.
Plan a ritual to
acknowledge your loved one during the holidays
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| c.Fotolia |
- Leave an empty chair at the table.
- Light a candle dedicated to your loved one.
- Place a bulb on the tree in memory of your loved one.
- ttend a seasonal memorial service offered at a local hospice or funeral home.
- Recognize your loved one through your personal spiritual practices.
- Be creative: you may want to use visualization or creative expressive tools, such as drawing or music, to help you develop rituals which will be meaningful for you.
Make new
traditions
Instead of following traditions which included your loved one, creating new traditions via new
activities or new venues may ease the obvious absence of a deceased loved one.For instance, instead of spending the holidays at home, go away where ever your budget will allow.
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| c.Fotolia |
- Knowing that you can change your plans depending on your feelings, may help decrease the stress.
- For example, if Plan A is to go to a relative’s house for dinner, Plan B might be to go to the movies instead.
Help others
Helping
others may release the “feel-good hormones” endorphins. You might:
- Volunteer to serve dinner at a Drop-in center, walk the animals in a rescue shelter, go shopping for your elderly neighbours, distribute mittens to the homeless…
- Volunteer for a cause embraced by your loved one; what was an important value in their life?
Take
it easy on yourself
- Practice these words: “No, thank you.”
- Follow the excellent stress reduction practices on the Grief-Healing-Support website as best as you’re able.
- Rest as much as possible.
- Stay hydrated – water will help your brain cope with the “fight or flight” response to loss.
- ACCEPT HELP. Let others do the decorating, shopping, baking, wrapping, cleaning, greeting cards, cooking…
Practice Coping Mantras
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| It's okay to laugh!(c.Kurchak) |
These are
short, easy to remember statements you can say to yourself when things get
overwhelming. For example:
· “Be sad. It’s allowed – grief
doesn’t take holidays.”
· “Laugh. It’s allowed – life goes
on.”
· “All good things come to an end.
All bad things come to an end.”
· What mantras or life mottos do
you already practice? Write them on post-it notes as reminders.
Spend time with supportive people
Say “No, thank you” to
invitations to parties or gathering where you might feel uncomfortable or that
you would like to avoid. In other words, “Just say no.”
- Spend time with the people who you identify as helpful. This might include “Friends” on Facebook, or other social media platforms
- Phone support can be helpful when you’re just too tired to go out or have company; ask friends to call you, instead of you calling them
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| c.Fotolia |
“Memories are one
of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved.
And holidays always make you think about times past. Instead
of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends.
Keep in mind that memories are tinged with both happiness and
sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If your
memories bring sadness, then it’s alright to cry….”
- Talk about your loved one over the holidays.
- Share stories about your loved one.
- Photo albums are a helpful to encourage conversation about your loved one – put one or two out where family and friends will look through them
The
bottom line is to do whatever YOU need to do to get through the holidays.
What have you found helpful during the holidays after a loss? What tips would you share with others?
This season, I wish you peace, comfort, strength and grace in your journey.
Warmly,
Wendy
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