Roll over Kubler-Ross

Roll over Kubler-Ross; your “5 stages of dying” are just no longer required as the quintessential model of grief!

 Kubler-Ross never did intend that her work be expanded to describe the process of grieving. Nevertheless, in the absence of other easily available material in the 1970’s, our culture adapted her stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance as a roadmap for grieving.

However, contemporary research in Thanatology, the study of death, dying and grief, has been remarkably active and productive over the past half century. Now, it is "phases"," tasks" or "styles" that represent only a few of the multitule of models that describe an individual’s experience of loss; even the validity of these processes are questioned as contemporary researchers discover the incredible uniqueness of an individual’s grief.

 In the meantime, as we wait for even more current models, let’s have a look at those"tasks".

William Worden, the well - respected guru of the task based process of grief, proposes that it’s the accomplishment of certain tasks that defines the process of grieving. These tasks include:

1.      Accept the reality of the death.

2.      Work through the pain of grief.                         

3.      Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.

4.      Emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.

 Grieving kids may work on several tasks at a time, in any order, and may come back to them over and over again. (In fact they will come back to them as they “re-grieve” – stay tuned for this fascinating topic at a future date!)

 So, how might these tasks look in a child or teen’s journey of grief? How may we as teachers/counselors facilitate a bereaved student’s grief tasks from a school perspective? Let’s consider these questions, one task at a time, with the assumption that the loss is death of a loved one.

1.      Accept the Reality of the Death

 ·        During this first task a bereaved student struggles with the shock and denial related to the death. A grieving student may appear as if they are doing just fine in the weeks and months immediately following the loss. The just haven’t yet moved from numbness and disbelief. When they are able to accept the reality of the death, we’ll begin to see evidence of the next task.

 

·        It takes time for the student to comprehend that their loved one is permanently gone. A student may need a few months to accept the reality of a loss before they are able to move on to the next task -> keep checking in with the student to asses where they might be with regards to this task -> between 3 to 4 months post loss is a time when we may expect to see some movement in this task.

2.      Work through the Pain of Grief

 

In this task we see the consuming and exhausting manifestations of a student’s grief. These may be characterized through a kid’s individual style of grief. (“Grieving Styles” were touched on briefly in a previous blog – we’ll look at these a little more closely in the near future.)

           Students working through this task may also experience, and/or express, any of the following:

·        The depth of pain may prompt a desire to avoid or flee from the suffering.

·        Increased feelings of panic or anxiety about their current situation and/or the future.

·        Guilt - such as “If only I had______”.

·        A death wish to be with the deceased or to end their own suffering.

·        Bereaved children exhausted from grieving may begin to find school overwhelming.

·        Some students choose to withdraw – either formally, or by default.

·        Essentially, assess the student’s individual grief responses and make the appropriate accommodations -> each and every grieving student will be different!

è  i.e. Adjust a student’s timetable, courses, etc. if a kid is having difficulty getting to school in the morning due to insomnia

·        You may want to talk with high school students who have diploma or final exams about deferrals or other accommodations.

·        Do a suicide risk assessment as necessary ->  query “suicide contagion” phenomenon if the loss was due to suicide                                                                      

3.      Adjust to an Environment in which the Deceased is Missing

 For many bereaved students the act of learning new skills and roles during this very chaotic and unsettled time forces them to change how they must now live without their loved one. There are a multitude of new roles and responsibilities created by the primary and secondary losses related to a death or other losses.

·        Again, assess the student’s individual grief responses and make the appropriate accommodations -> even siblings from the same family may grieve very differently

·        Also, we may help these students by discussing an adjustment in their timetables, providing accommodations regarding assignments, offering guidance as they work through problem-solving of new issues, etc.

4.      Emotionally Relocate the Deceased

This type of relocation means that the bereaved student finds ways to alter the emotional investment as it once existed in the relationship with the deceased so that the child/teen can ‘move on’ with their life

·        I.e. Working with a student whose mom has died may involve discussion of a question such as “If I’m nice to my Dad’s new girlfriend, does it mean that I don’t love my real Mom anymore?”

·        Engaging in new activities and relationships may indicate that a grieving student is involved in this task. This can take many months/years.

So, there you go – Worden’s Task Model of Grief.

Hopefully, this model’s perspective helps make better sense of a grieving student’s behaviour, in addition to providing a new angle from which to develop effective, and compassionate interventions.

In the next blog: “Phase/Stage – What’s the difference when it comes to a kid’s grief?”

Teachers helping grieving students build new paths for life.

Hi Everyone,

Yesterday I received an email from a friend I had been been supporting since the deaths of both his mom and a dear friend within two weeks of each other. I had been encouraging my buddy to take some "down time" to relax, drink lots of water, etc.

When I read his email I was reminded, again, that we all have grieving styles which exist on a continuum somewhere between "intuitive grievers", which is the type of grief we typically think of as normal grief, to "instrumental grievers".

My friend's message is an excellent example of an instrumental griever:

"I worked all weekend but I find it kind of relaxing."

Instrumental grievers experience and express their grieve through "doing" versus "feeling". They prefer to problem solve rather than feel emotions, they process their grief through action instead of talking.

Choosing the most helpful interventions for a grieving student may be determined by assessing where on the continuum the student may be at that particular moment.

Asking " How do you feel" may elicit an "I don't know" from an instrumental griever. Try asking, "What are you thinking?" or "What problems are on your mind?"

I'll talk more about interventions for instrumental and intuitive grievers again...

In the meantime, take care of yourself as the holidays draw nigh...

Warmly,
Wendy

Teachers and students working together to create new paths for living, one step at a time.

Helping Kids through the Holidays

Just like the Wise men, farmers and shepherds in those sweet, upcoming Christmas pageants, the holidays are drawing 'nigh'!

Right about now we often begin to see a number of students showing up in our offices, anxious about any number of issues related to the season. These concerns might include expectations and disappointments, messy family dynamics, as well as a dread of coping with grief during this period.

 As a proactive intervention, we might even consider initiating conversations with kids we know who have experienced significant losses over the year.

Once these kids arrive in our office, having a stocking full of strategies can be helpful. Here are a number of ideas that students have found helpful in the past:

1.     Reassure a kid that even though the anticipation of the holidays can be scary and painful, they can and will get through the event. It helps to let them know that in many instances, the time leading up to the day is worse than the actual day.

2.     Helping kids develop a plan of what THEY would like to do, and then helping them discuss it with their parents can make a big difference to your student.

 Encourage your student to be creative – you may want to use some visualization or art activities with them.

 The plan should include how to express grief in a specific time and place – this might include:

      a.     Leave an empty chair at the table.

b.     Light a candle, or place a bulb on the tree in memory of their loved one.

c.      Go onto a grief support website and write an online tribute about them.

d.     Request prayers at their place of worship.

3.     Encourage kids to make a Plan A and B (C, D, and E). Knowing that they can change their plans depending how they are feeling, may help decrease the stress.

For example, if Plan A is to go to Aunt Mary’s for dinner, Plan B might be to go to stay home instead.

4.     Ask the student what it would be like to do something totally different than their traditional customs.

They may appreciate your advocacy with their parent(s) in discussion and implementation of their ideas.

5.     Encouraging creativity may also facilitate discussion and reminiscing about the loss – these are very therapeutic tools for processing grief.

 I.e. create a “Remembrance bulb” to hang on the Christmas tree, write a new song, or make a movie of past Christmas memories.

Reminiscing about the past helps to process grief in a number of ways – it is okay, and good, to” remember”.

6.     Many families find it meaningful to “honour their loved one” by helping others during the holidays i.e. volunteer to serve dinner at a Drop-in center.

 What sorts of activities would the student find significant in this regard? Could they do it on their own, or with a friend, if other family members were reluctant to participate?

7.     Encourage your student to focus and do the things that will be easy on their emotions and body – they are likely to be exhausted. 

  Helping the student make a list of activities they find particularly relaxing may give them a concrete reminder to rest.

    8.      Help the student develop mantras for coping : for example

·       Be sad. It’s allowed – grief doesn’t take holidays.

·       Laugh. It’s allowed – life goes on.

9.      Encourage the student to spend time with the people that they identify as supportive.

 Again, making a list of names with the student may provide a concrete reminder who they can call during the holidays.

*It is especially important to follow up with these kids AFTER the holidays.

·       What strategies worked for them?
·       How can they continue to use those coping methods in their daily life?
·       What didn’t work for them?
·        What situations occurring during the holidays need to be addressed?

Before leaving this particular subject for the moment:

 I wonder how some of these strategies might be incorporated into YOUR holiday season?

What tips might you take as your own so that the holidays are as relaxing and restorative as possible for you?

It's holiday time for you too! YAY!

In the meantime, take care of YOU.

Teachers and kids creating new paths for living - one step at a time.

Welcome!

Welcome to `Ed in Grief `! (short for `Education in Grief`)


Teaching and counselling grieving kids can be downright scary when we feel ill-eqipped and un-prepared. In fact, most of us in the education field have  NOT had any specific training in providing guidance or instruction for grieving kids.


Kids ARE grieving;  the death of a family member, or friend, changes subsequent to divorce, moving from a familar community,....and countless other losses which  adults may not even recognize as losses ( more about that in a future blog).


The goal of this Blog is to encourage discussion about our work with grieving kids in schools. Sharing stories, questions, frustrations and tips, while gaining knowledge and strategies, will hopefully help us become more confident and competent in making a difference in the lives of grieving kids.


The truth is, we do make a difference in the lives and the futures of grieving kids when we care. Next time, I`ll be talking about how grief affects a kid`s brain, and how you can change their current situation and their future with your care!

 Teachers and kids creating new paths for living - one piece at a time.